How to Mormon
MMMM k so I have taken a break from blogging for a month. I have had so many thoughts and wonderments in that time. I decided to chew on them for awhile before writing about them. One in particular that has me needing to write right now is that I don’t think I know how to Mormon. I know the commandments and teachings, and I do question some of the history and what the actual purpose is to so many layers of this church. Today though I am stepping back to look at the entire picture of the day to day life of being a Mormon. Who sets the “to do” list and is it more like an idea list versus an actual list of things to do. I cannot tell if I am feeling guilt for having zero desire to do many of the to do’s or if I have finally let go of my obsession to do it all but my OCD is kicking in telling me that I am lacking. I actually thought about texting the bishop to see if he can tell me how to Mormon hahahahahahaaha. Sheesh. THIS is what starts my want to walk away and I have to not let myself go there, or I might walk away. Its just too much flipping work, and if I opt to not do it then the guilt sets in. I completely understand why people who are not breaking any commandments still leave the church, the “to do” list is too overwhelming. I have often heard the phrase “Do not run faster than you have strength” or the “just do your best”. Ew, I hate the do your best thing, why? It is because I feel like i can always do better…….and its too damn hard to keep pushing myself. I am already pushing myself to be a better wife, mother, house cleaner, meal cooker, business woman etc,etc,etc. So the idea of pushing myself more in religion just makes me want to run away from it. I am not tempted to break any of the mego commandments and I have been super focused on loving others and trying to give a voice to those who have left the church, or those who want to. I have tried to see things through their hearts and perspectives instead of just assuming they are spiritually lost. Because many are not, I think they are tired. Call it the pressure the church puts on them or their parents or their own selves, but like me, they are tired. It is exhausting feeling guilt, it is exhausting feeling like you don’t measure up based off dumb things. I am so proud of those who don’t do the “to do” list of the church and have found balance without guilt. Example, I have a beautiful 22 year old niece. We were chatting in a gal group the other day and someone said “ugh fast Sunday this month is on independence day”. My niece then chuckled and said “I have never fasted in my life”. I actually was proud of her for not putting that stipulation on herself in order to not feel guilt. She has zero desire to fast and so she doesn’t and she doesn’t feel bad for it. I think that is so healthy. She is one of the purest people I know, like never even sworn before. She has found a healthy balance of religion for herself that leaves her heart at peace.
Coming back to how to Mormon, that might actually be super different for each person. For me I “Mormon” by loving others and doing my best to encourage people to not judge. I try to not take part in negative talk about others. I try to see others for where they are in life instead of what I think they should be doing. I remind myself that God is the judger not me and as long as people are kind then that is all that I need to care about. It is still a huge challenge for me to not judge a$$es. I think about how I can help others in my shoes to make sure they don’t feel bad from comments of guilters. So many people try to guilt or scare people who are losing their testimony. I had a co worker attempt suicide a few weeks ago because she decided that she did not want to be Mormon any more and her mother made her feel terrible. What the hell. It happens and it happens so much more than we realize guys. Do not be a member of this church out of guilt or fear, do not do it. Religion is meant to uplift and edify our lives, it is meant to make us feel loved.
Having said all that, it brings me to this, just because I don’t know how to Mormon does not mean it is not true. I SUCK at math, and I do not care to learn math…like not at all. I have had a well meaning sister tell me that I can learn math and to be positive about it and bla bla bla. But guess what, math is not my thing and I am ok with that. But that does not mean that math is not true. I will never understand it because I do not care to, and I have so much peace with that decision. There are however other topics that I kick booty in, like health. I have an interest in nutrition and taking care of our bodies and not putting shiz into our bodies. I believe and understand nutrition. So like the church there are certain topics that I am really good in and others that I just plain and simple do not care about. So should a person walk completely away from learning at school because they have no interest in math? Should a person walk away from the church because they have no interest in the bible? Right now as I learn how to Mormon perhaps I need to just hold onto where I am at and stop worrying about the stuff I don’t have a desire to learn or do. We are losing fellow members. It is sad. We are losing them because they are tired. I would hate if someone was forcing me to learn math, like I would avoid that person because they were putting their will on me (isn’t that what God is trying to avoid?). Through this journey I have opened up and spoke to many, I dare say most aren’t leaving because they want to drink or have sex. They are tired, tired of feeling like they are not good enough, tired of being made to feel that they are disappointing God, tired of trying to do the “to do’s”. I will go back to my husbands advice, if you feel yourself wanting to leave just let go of it all. Let go of everything except the 2 greatest commandments, you love God with everything in you and you love others as yourself.
That is how I am trying to Mormon.