Entitled

For a moment I am going to paint a mental picture of a child. Imagine a child who always got what they wanted. The parents made sure that each Christmas, birthday, just because we are at the store outing, vacation,  etc that this child got anything they asked for. The parents would do this to avoid a tantrum and because they were worried the child would not feel loved if they did not get their way, or the parent was trying to compensate for not playing with their child enough. What would most likely happen to this child as an adult? They would most likely turn into a pain in the a$$ teen and adult. They would be set up to have unrealistic expectations of their own spouse, bosses, friends and grow a sense of entitlement. Others would grow to have a dislike towards this now adult. It is possible they would lack humility and compassion and have a sense that they were being wronged all the time. Have you ever met someone like this? Have you ever been this person yourself? I realized that though God has not given me everything that I have ever asked for, I have become entitled to what I think God owes me and it has stolen happiness. I am guessing it is very possible that you have too and it has robbed happier days from you as well. Maybe you raised your kids “the right way” and they made opposing personal choices. Or maybe you have always been giving monetarily and now you find yourself broke. Perhaps you were great at serving others and now that you need service it is hard to find. All very valid reasons to feel screwed over. But maybe its an opportunity to see more.

This is an embarrassing concept to think about and accept, but I think that true growth must come from these tough and awkward moments. I think that it is possible that we victimize ourselves with God. This all came up in my thoughts about an hour ago…..and of course it is pandemic related. So being a germaphobe and actually having OCD and anxiety one can imagine how obnoxious this freakin’ pandemic has been for me. Hell, it has been Hell. Think of one of your worst fears and then deal with that every $#%^#$ day for eighteen %&*%^ months with no end in sight. Hahahaha. Pretty sucky. Well this past week me and my kids stayed with my parents because my hubby went to a funeral for his sweet grandpa who died from covid and several family members suffered from covid as well even in the ICU. I did not feel comfortable taking the kids to a large group or myself so my hubby went alone. The kids and I would live with my parents for 10 days until my hubby could test to make sure he did not get it. It actually was really fun to spend time with my parents and I was able to help them. The kids felt like it was a vacation and my hubby was able to focus on projects at home. On day 8 the kids and I went to my sisters house for a bbq. Before we went I felt a little uneasy as I usually do when going around people. I knew however that she and her husband and kids had the antibody. The only person there who did not have the antibody was her sons fiancé (to my knowledge). I told myself to lighten up and not be worried about ONE person. It was nice to chat with my soon to be niece and my daughter LOVED sitting next to her (outside) while she ate and giggled with her. It was a GREAT evening and my twins enjoyed themselves so much.

Fast forward to the next afternoon. My twins and I are playing outside and I get a call from my sister telling me that the girl my daughter and myself were with last night had just tested positive for covid. Oh. My. Crap. Are you kidding me? One of the RARE times I let my guard down because ONE person doesn’t have the antibody is the ONE time we are now exposed to the thing I have been avoiding for 18 months????????? My hell. I sat there stunned. I tried to not panic and to just play it cool with my 7 year old daughter as I told her not to touch my unvaccinated 77 year old mother. I knew we had not gone super close to my mom that day and I knew that I had been vaccinated with one of the 2 vaccines 18 days prior (my second dose was not due yet). I called my hubby who went and got the rapid test (negative)  then came to get me and the kids. We packed up our stuff and left my parents in a hurry (we def don’t want to be the ones who give an elder covid). I spoke to my cousin who is a scientist and she assured me that the chances of us giving it to my mom less than 24 hours after exposure were almost non existent. I felt calmer about the worry of giving it to my parents, but still had the mego anxiety of my daughter, my son and myself.

Yesterday I heard my daughter coughing and I myself have had an odd random cough. I could feel my panic knocking on my door so I reached out to one of my best friends (since high school) who happens to be a psychologist (God knew I would need psychologist friends hahaha). Now obviously I did not love everything he said, good psychologists have a way of making me want to squish them at times hahahahaha. The first thing he said was, “talk about exposure therapy”, and then said “it could actually be a gift”.  As I rolled my eyes at this obviously stupid comment and let him know that I disagreed with him, I took like 2 seconds to pause and trust him. I switched my outlook on it and tried to see the good. I am still having moments of rolling my eyes at him and trying to have moments of seeing the gift.

This all leads me to this entitlement with God syndrome that I feel many of us have. I feel like because I have been pretty damn near perfect with this pandemic ish that being exposed should not have happened. I have been mad at myself for letting my guard down and though I don’t blame God for us going to the bbq I am having a difficult time trusting him in this quarantine. My friend is a really good guy with a great relationship with God, so I know when he calls something a gift that there are spiritual threads in that comment. This idea of a gift has brought me into a deep thought of why we think we do or don’t deserve things we attribute from God. If we get every single thing we think God owes us then what kind of entitled brats are we turning into? Assuming God doesn’t want us to be brats for our own benefit, it makes absolute sense the gifts He gives us are not going to be what we want at times. I have tried for a long time to not call trials “trials”, but to call them experiences. The word trial just is daunting and depressing. Maybe I can get to the point that I call these experiences “gifts”. EW, I kinda hate that now that I said it hahaha, but I can see where the entire experience can be felt and understood differently when we call it a gift.

So here we wait, it has been almost 72 hours since our exposure. They say symptoms typically start between 3-5 days, so it is safe to say I will be on the edge of my seat from this point on and will probably take our temperatures 92 times a day. Such a beautifully annoying time to live in. So much good and so much confusion. Maybe if we lose the entitlement syndrome and CHOOSE to see more hard situations as gifts we can find deeper meaning and deeper happiness. I don’t want to put myself in a victim role ever, but especially with God. God does not do things TO you, you dumb dumb do that yourself. God however does do things FOR you and can turn our dumb dumb moments into a gift, WE just must choose to recognize a gift when its right in front of us. Sometimes we may feel spoiled by all of these gifts and just want them to stop. In those spoiled moments though are when we get the gift of humility, compassion and understanding others. Patience and love towards others can be the gift we achieve if we humble ourselves at the gift we were given. Trust is the gift I am personally trying to receive from God, it is a gift I know He has been trying to give me for awhile I have just lacked the faith to open His Present.