Oh man does it feel good to sit here and write!
I have been missing and wanting to do this for MONTHS. Time is a gift that I often don’t feel that I have enough of; I have just been too emotionally exhausted to even fathom letting my
mind “go there”.
I need to though.
I need to do it for me, and I am humbly learning more and more that I also need to do this for others.
I have not written since last summer and here we are in the spring! SO much pain has been experienced in this time and even greater miracles. God is real. But God will not protect you from painful times, yet He will send earthly angels to carry you through. I am not even sure what I want to share or how open I want to be on this platform about all the fires I have walked through, I only know that I need to give praise to a loving Heavenly Father for seeing me through. I know that I need to share learned truths in the miracles that I experienced. I also know that I don’t want to candy coat any of the shiz, but at the same time, I want to protect details for the safety of those I love that are involved.
So, in a very paraphrased and to-the-point version, I will just share this: marriage is hard, anxiety is real, depression, denial, control, fear, overwhelm, emotional walls, defensiveness,
pride, selfishness, and not having God weaved through the details of a relationship is not going to go well…..that is without miracles that God is waiting to send until WE are ready to receive them.
I was stripped down to nothing with no choice but to be more vulnerable than I have ever wanted to be! Literally unable to stand in a shower or to feed myself because I was so shattered. Fetch, I feel the tears filling up in my eyes right now…this is where I have not wanted my brain to go.
Perhaps its what I need to do though.
Feeling regret, anger, grace, distrust, impatience, love and hurt, confusion, shock, loss of control, fear, so much fear and forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself and where the pain came from. A whirlwind of emotions too intense to understand in those moments. Having coping mechanisms that sucked and still struggling to find better ones to help alleviate those shiz storms we find ourselves in! And having the realization that I absolutely had to be shattered into pieces and scattered about in order to build into something greater.
The thing is, I have been broken down into tiny pieces multiple times. I just did not know it could get worse.
I said to a few close people during all of this that I did not know pain like this existed. Like many, I have experienced some pretty crappy things in life, but none of which compared
to this pain, this trauma, this beautiful pile of garbage! lol. I went days where I hardly slept. I spiraled several times, I barely ate; I just couldn’t see how it could get better. Thankfully I had a couple earthly angels that kept me functioning and kept my kids totally unaware of any of it. As a child I knew and saw too much. Because of this, I knew I needed to protect
our precious babies. Oh how thankful I am that they are so loved by others who stepped in when I just couldn’t do it alone.
How miraculous it is that God can work anything to our good and turn a mess into a miracle!
We hand God a mound of disaster and he then helps us turn it into a masterpiece.
How thankful I am for my husband who is a good man.
How thankful I am for his ability to see the good and his desire to keep fighting for the better. I’m thankful for his forgiving heart and his belief in Gods miracles too. I’m thankful for his willingness to see his shortcomings and the strength to continue to let God mold him. It takes humility to see our wrongs and an open heart to grow.
I’m learning that we never stop learning. The moment we think we have it all figured out, life will show us opportunities to still do better. And with that, I’m back.
I have a more renewed vision of faith, of Mormonism, of religion as a whole. After almost three years we started going to church again a month ago!
I have only gone to class twice and when I’ve gone I get that stressful burning
to share a comment, so I do. My comments are not understood by many… hahaha! I can tell by reactions. But I am trying to not let that stop me. I feel that I need to share what the spirit is telling me to share (as much as I argue silently with it).
There’s so much more to come that I am excited to share in hopes that it can help others. For now, know that you are loved, you are valued, and you matter. You definitely have growing to do, as we all do and will continue to every day of this life.
Keep God in your pocket and it will make that growth possible, maybe not pain free, but possible.