So with the current pandemic I have been homeschooling our twins for the last 8 months. What a ride! I can see the positives and negatives to homeschooling kiddos. I feel in some ways it for sure is better, but the social aspect has been a bummer as it has been almost non existent. Something I have loved though is when my kids have their google chats with their teacher. My sweet daughter was learning all about antonyms a few weeks ago. If you are like me you cannot remember what in the heck that even is….hahahaha….well it it’s a fancy way of saying “opposite” (what idiot decided to complicate that?). She was doing awesome, the teacher would say “hot”, my daughter said “cold” or “tall, short”. My daughter knew every single one until the teacher said “love”……..my heart was so still as I sat there waiting and knowing that she would not know the answer to this. My sweetie kinda chuckled and said “broken love” unsure of her answer. What a lesson I learned in that moment. Through the perfect innocence of a child I began to self reflect, a lot.
Perhaps many of us don’t hate, perhaps we have broken love. Through much pondering about this concept of broken love being the opposite of love instead of hate, I have been able to soften my heart and open my eyes. I have STRUGGLED to let go of so much hurt caused by loved ones. For several years I have had to be careful to not let my hurt turn into hatred. Having hate in our hearts regardless if we are justified to have it will darken our souls. Forgiveness is 100% for US not the butt face we are forgiving. Seeing your hatred as broken love is better than hating. It is hard to hate something or someone that we did not love first. Hate comes from love. Ex spouses grow hatred because they loved someone. Children can hate their parents because of the love they once had. Friends become enemies because of love they had. You see, people are filled with broken love.
Thinking of the negative feelings I have had that have darkened my soul and viewing them as a love that was broken makes me feel that they can be fixed……it is much easier to repair broken love than to repair hate. If we can get the word “hate” out of our vocab and recognize that our feelings are love broken it will give our heart relief. Most anything broken can be fixed, not saying that you wont still see the breaks and marks of being broken, but breaks often can be repaired. So give yourself a break and some love if you have felt “hate” and know that it is more likely broken love that you feel, not hate.
This all of course took me back to my fleeting faith. My love for the church was broken. It did not just shatter one day into tiny pieces, experience after experience, poor remark after poor remark chiseled at my testimony. Life and the overwhelming feelings of broken love (not hate) brought me here. The pieces are still there. I have not swept them away or ignored the shards that are looming close by. Walking away from the church means walking over those broken pieces and I know they will slice me open. So instead I am standing in the middle of the pieces of my broken love not knowing what piece to pick up or where to even place a piece if I pick it up. When I have reached down for a piece it almost surely cuts me, so I put it back down. And for now that is enough.
I have to share something so unrelated but such a victory! Our puppy slept through the NIGHT last night!!! Yea!!! We got a SECOND puppy a week ago today. She is stinkin’ cute but quite the pill at night. This week has been crazy chaotic with bringing her home, blogging, my hubby doing SO much for work, homeschooling and just life. So we needed this small victory, I woke up loving her a little more today. Wanna know a secret? I really do not like puppies hahahahaha. Like they are ADORBS, but they are mini little sharp teethed monsters. We already have a 6 month old pup and I decided that our life was not quite overwhelming enough, so in all craziness I got another 2 month old puppy. Thankfully I have a good man that supports my crazy, the longer we are married the more I love this imperfectly perfect man of mine.
This morning as I was rushing to take care of morning things before my twins woke up I began to reflect on a story of Jesus. It was the one with the woman caught in adultery and people wanting to stone her. She was broken and alone and scared. Though I have not been in her exact shoes of adultery I have felt broken and afraid. I have felt hated by fellow imperfect people, people that I trusted and loved, and I still feel disliked. Honestly what she did was no ones business, but yet they made it their place to ridicule her weakness. How much relief and humility she must have felt when the Savior looked at her and protected her. When he told those with no sin to cast the first stone, and no one did she was probably shocked. They walked away. I have heard this story so many times as I am sure others have too. This morning it occurred to me that I have missed a huge detail in this story. The accusers walked away, but Jesus stayed (a million heart emojis). Friends, he stayed. He did not leave her in her embarrassment, He did not leave her in her grief. He waited. She felt she had no one in that moment and he did not leave her. The crowd dispersed and Jesus stayed to let her feel the LOVE that many of us would not feel she deserved in that moment. Wow. Then he told her to go and sin no more. Her sin did not define her. Her sin had nothing to do with her worth. He would not let it become her identity. He stayed.
What I learned from this was that I have known of “sins” that others are involved in and it is like they have a label on them in my eyes. It has been easy for me to think they are foolish or weak. I will admit that I have thought of myself as not as big of a sinner as them (disappointed in myself emoji here). It was other members that I thought this about and would compare myself to. I was comparing that I was doing better than them because they drank coffee and I didn’t. Or I was comparing myself thinking I would never be as good as someone because they were on a different higher level than me. But don’t worry, there was always someone I was doing better than that I could then compare myself to in order to feel better. That is really hard to confess and admit to. But it is not where I have been, it is where I am going that matters today. The old me would be so disappointed in me right now, slipping testimony, not repenting on my knees for swearing, not dressing up to take the sacrament at home. But the broken me is proud of me. Trying to rebuild into a more Christlike minded person vs trying to be like Christ in my actions. I would not have thrown a stone at the woman, but I would not have stayed either. Today I would stay.
Think if you will about your mission (if you served one, I did not). Why did you? Were you forced? Felt obligated? Went because you felt a testimony to go? Did you love it? Why did you love it? How did you measure success? What would you change?
I know we all have the opportunity to share the gospel. That is awesome. I am glad that people have felt comfortable to ask me questions. Perhaps my not so serious approach has been a good thing. Often I’ve felt inadequate to share anything because I am no scriptorian (spell check has no idea what word I am trying to spell LOL, I hope you know what I am trying to say) and feel like a duh da duh in Sunday school (any other duh da duhs out there? You refuse to even raise your hand because you cant keep up with Mr. Scripture sitting in the front row?LOL). Well that’s me. I fo sho cannot recite the Book of Mormon or even back up my ideas with scripture references. But does that actually matter? I am gonna say NO. So what does matter? If this is the gospel of “Good News” then I am gonna try my darndest to figure out what that means and my ability to know scripture references to back me up probs is not what will help someone wanna know more of this good news, right? It is my happiness in this good news that will make others want to be a part of it, and well I have been miserable in it because of being so uptight. I actually think the fact that it has been a year since we sat in church or been around fellow earthlings is what brought me clarity on my semi butt face views. I have not had my uptight ways validated through hearing other comments at church. I have been on my own to listen to my own thoughts. And though I agree with anyone who thinks I have a few loose screws, I have gained incredible perspective. Example, I have a loved one who will correct someone for using the word “Lucky”. If you were to say that you were lucky that someone caught you when you were slipping on ice, they would correct you and say “no, you were blessed”. Kinda makes ya not want to discuss anything with them because they have this way of making everything a discussion of religious basis. This was all very normal to me. Or if you forget to say a prayer for a meal they will say “I guess you are not thankful”. Now I know this person has a tremendously good heart, but it does not motivate someone to do good who feels that they messed up by saying the word Lucky instead of blessed. I know this person will never change, like ever, but perhaps these examples could help each of us reflect on if our righteousness is helping or hurting. I am very happy for those who have found a happy religious balance, and for those who are still looking, be so happy that you are. A life of feeling wrong is not what God intended…..I have to tell myself this often and its not that I believe it, but I have trust in loved ones that do believe it.
So……those of you who are super strong in this church carry a lot of weight on you, like legit. Both members and non members are aware that you are truly converted. What you say matters. How you treat others matters. It is SO easy for me to look at someone who shares the greatest comments in church and think that they really have it all together. And honestly if you give out that vibe you better be ready to live up to your vibe. There is a guy from the ward we just moved from that I KNOW has a great testimony, and he is SO SO SO kind. Like loves people, I do not feel judged by him at all. He helped us move a few months ago and said that my hubby had a bitchin’ camaro. My mouth dropped (in my brain), I was so surprised to hear that word come out of his mouth, but you know what? I had ZERO judgment towards him because he always had made us feel important. Now if other people would have said that that were “super righteous” in appearance and unkind or judgy or acted holier than others in church comments, it would have been easier for me to think something bad by them using the word bitchin’ even though that word does not bother me. Get my gist? If you are gonna act like you are perfect, then you better damn well be perfect. Maybe it would be better to cut the front you are putting up in front of others and just be REAL. Be open about your faults, stop trying to stand for righteuousness when its not needed. Yes there are times that haters need to be asked to stop, there are times when people are truly disrespectful in comments about the church and if someone is then by all means, kindly ask them to stop. But when someone is simply just being a human, then let it go and just love them. My brother knows someone who was at a general authorities home in a group setting. This guy smokes. This guy went to leave the home because he did not want to offend anyone with his smoking. Guess what the general authority did? Asked the guy to stay and went and sat in the backyard with him while he smoked his cigarette. The general authority easily could have taken this situation to make a point that smoking was against the word of wisdom, but instead he asked him not to leave and sat there with him as he smoked. GUYS THAT IS SHOWING CHRISTLIKE LOVE. Also we need to find the right opportunity to let someone know our faith. I had someone at work who was new ask if I wanted a coffee when they were going on their coffee run. I simply said “no thanks”, while my other fellow co-worker said “we are Mormon”, I wanted to drop kick them. AHHHHHHH. What the crap? I never offer to buy drinks for people hahaha and here this generous person was offering and this member saw it as a good moment to belittle them?! I am sure we all have stories like these. We are to be a peculiar people not a pricky people. If someone offers a beer or coffee PLEASE OH PLEASE just say “no thanks” or “I would love a soda, thank you so much!”. (where are the emojis for bloggers because I totally need some face palms and hearts, and quite possibly the one that bleeps out the mouth).
Something to ponder. Do we purposely try to only surround ourselves and our families around members? It is more than ok to enjoy the company of like minded people (I love spending time with fellow dog lovers because they just get me), but are we being closed off to people of other beliefs? How on earth can we spread good news if we don’t go around others who have the wrong impression of the good news? It is so important for our own growth and others that we are friends with good people regardless of faith. I do know that no parent in or out of the church wants their child to be friends with a shizzy kid and that is just being a watchful parent. But guess what? Not all Mormons are actually good people and not all non members are going to drag others down. A very wise friend of mine (he is a grandpa) raised his children to be friends with the non members, less active, smoking and “not as righteous” people because those are who Christ walked among. The poor in spirit. They are who need the good news. This wise friend of mine is the father of a set of sisters that I am friends with. I talk to him weekly as of late. The first time I met him at 16 years old he hugged me and loved me like a daughter. He LOVES everyone. He LOVES the Lord. His light of LOVE would make people WANT to know about his faith. As a teenager he told me that if I ever needed to talk that he would talk to me about anything free of judgement. He said the word “sex” in front of me and his girls when we were talking about boys (that was an inappropriate word at my house) and that he would answer any question we may have about it because he would rather us ask him than some idiot. I hope my kids have someone like him if they ever feel that they cannot talk to us. I have told him that I have thought about leaving the church, I have told him all of my concerns. He texts me just to tell me that he loves me. I know that if I walked away that his love would not change for me, but I know he will not let me walk away without a fight. He sees people, he sees their pain and he sees their hearts. So lets follow his example and purposely find people that need us free of judgement in or out of the church. You may not bring them to Jesus but all Jesus asked was that you Love others as He loves you! Don’t look for people with the intent to get them more active or to get them baptized. Find friends. Find people who are lonely who need your friendship, they are everywhere. I am lonely hahaha. If we show zero interest in someone but then all of the sudden decide it is time for us to be missionaries so we gotta find that non member down the street to check off a to do, that is kind of a butt face move. Be friends with people because you WANT to (also why I am anti asking someone if they are LDS because WHY would that matter in a friendship….how ‘bout we just become friends and let religion naturally be brought up in the future sometime). This may sound crazy, and perhaps the fact that I grew up in a home with a mother that is a member and a father that is not I can see this. When people found out that my dad was not a member there was a pity that they had for me, I was the girl with the non member dad. It was as if he was broken and needed to be fixed. And yes as much as that may be true (we are all a bit broken), my family and dad became a project and the friendships felt fake. I understand that people who love the gospel just want to share it, and that is good. BUT there is a time and place when it is appropriate. Missionaries would often come to our house and my dad really enjoyed talking to them. There was one in particular that we all LOVED. He was from Europe where my dad is from and so naturally they bonded. Now most missionaries did not give my dad much time once they realized that he was not interested in religion but in just visiting and I cannot fault them for moving on. But one day our fav missionary was there at our house and we were having such a great time. His companion however was not. When his companion realized that this meeting was more of a social one than a religious one he said to our fav missionary “Elder we need to go, we are on the Lords time”. WHAT???????????????????? My heart sank. Was my dad no longer worth the visit because it was not going to turn into a baptism? I still have a pit in my stomach writing this memory. We did not see our fav missionary after this visit. Wouldn’t you think “the Lords time” would be well spent making someone feel valued and loved. Now I understand that young missionaries do need to be aware of time etc, and so in this situation I do give a bit more leeway to him. I just hope that we are not fellowshipping people just to check a box, and if they never never decide to discuss religion that we are still very much engaged in a loving friendship. A handful of people are aware of my doubts right now. Some have been so great, telling me that they don’t care if I stay in the church, that we are friends first and foremost. Some are super concerned and offer kind words. And some avoid the topic with me, offering no encouragement and a continuation of pushing church stuff at me. If I tell them WHAT I am struggling with they change the subject, but they will gladly bring religion up in almost each conversation in a preachy way. They just don’t want to hear me say anything that could be negative about religion. I do not fault anyone in how they respond to me, but I do however want to remember the feelings that I get from each in order to help my response to others. So there you have ONE part of my epiphany….the other part goes into how we treat people who we do interact with, or are related to. Oh goodness there are some giant jerks out there. And we all have been that jerk at some point Im sure. We do not know others hearts. Period. Even if we are close to them we do not know all there is to know. It would be wise and safe to assume that everyone is hurting. Everyone. Even if you live with someone and see them daily, assume that they have something that is causing anxiety for them and TREAT THEM AS SUCH. Raise your hand if the people that have been the worst to you are related to you? Family is a big part of the pie when someone leaves the church. And this is NOT why God created family units. If someone is walking the line of staying in or getting out and their super active loved one is a jerk to them , that really can be the breaking point. I have seen this. When someone is already questioning their belief and then they have a jerky brother who is in the church be unkind, it makes them not want to be part of it. I never ever ever want to be what pushes someone away from God. If you feel you have hurt someone then just own it. This is a tough one especially when you feel they have hurt you too. It is quite possible that you are both to blame. It is also possible that you are just not a good fit together. Salt and sugar are both delicious, but you probably wouldn’t put salt on a grapefruit. It is better to walk away in respect than storm away in anger. We are not always going to see eye to eye with family, and instead of causing resentment and pain choose to walk away. Not everything needs to be discussed and you do not need to be heard. Someone must be the peacemaker, strive to let it be you. Don’t engage in hurt, and cheer for the underdog. This is where you will find peace. This is where the problem will stop. It is ok to question our upbringings, parents are as imperfect as me or you. They do not always get it right. Generation after generation have had problems being kind in some families or have taught their posterity not so great traits. Be the one to break the butt face cycle and realize that grandma was wrong. No one should only be remembered for their faults, so be kind in your thoughts about grandma. But it is ok to realize if teachings have been wrong and to not justify our behaviors because dad or grandma did it. Be kind to yourself in these wonderments, don’t be afraid to self assess, it is something that we all need to do often and in a loving way to ourselves knowing that if we make tweaks it will be for our good.
Realization time yo. I just had an epiphany (also this is how I spelled that word before doing talk text in my phone to figure it out ahhahahahah “Apifany”) and here it is. Not everything comes down to religion folks. This is a really tough one to write because I have been really wired into believing that if you almost got into a car accident and didn’t that its because God protected you, and in some cases it probably is. But what about the person who got into the wreck? This has become a confusing topic for me. I used to feel like I had to pray so that bad things didn’t happen, but did my prayers actually impact any of it? And then if I forgot to pray is that WHY something bad ended up happening? (Who am I kidding, it was a rule to pray and I never forgot and crap still happened). So what should a prayer be about? Why should we pray? Do our prayers actually protect us? Lots of thought has gone into the concept of prayer and I have asked myself “Is God everywhere and is His hand in everything?”. Hmmmmmmm. Through talking to my hottie tottie hubby I feel I have a thought on these ideals now. First off in regards to prayer, I do not pray as much as I once did. I refuse to pray out of habit or fear. In my opinion those prayers are pointless. I pray when I have the desire to pray. I pray IF I am at a loss or stressed. I do not run everything by God, He gave me a brain to use it and I do not feel that I need a play by play prayer with all that I am doing. He made me very capable of making decisions without consulting Him. I used to manage a jewelry store and have had people need to pray before buying an engagement ring……..guys……????? I feel like there are somethings that we need to be able to have faith in ourselves, and the gifts that God gave us.
When my littles get older I HOPE that we did a good enough job with them that they don’t have to consult us for every single thing. I want them to build self confidence in their own abilities and trust themselves. It is not that my children would be a bother to me if they called me for every dumb thing, but where is the GROWTH in that? If I want my kids to be able to be strong, smart and confident people then they must do things without asking me if it is a good idea. So ya, my prayers are very different than they once were. I do not need to ask God if I should buy a puppy or if it’s a good thing for my family. In the grand scheme of life and my eternal salvation that puppy purchase has NOTHING to do with my progression. I do feel that for me at least Heavenly Father expects me to use my brain and trust in myself. I do pray daily to give thanks though. I do recognize how blessed I am. I try not to ask for much in prayer because then I am not disappointed if it does not happen. Instead I work hard and apply God given gifts into what I am doing. I pray to say Hello. That is kinda where prayer ends for me. It has helped me switch my focus to gratitude as well. Out of habit I want to pray for more trivial things but I do not feel that it actually makes a difference. Seldom do I tell someone going through a hard time that I will pray for them, as I don’t know that I believe my prayer has any impact on that. I do however tell them that they are in my thoughts and heart, I will actually text them that I am thinking of them. I like to think that that means more to them than the typical “you are in my prayers.” Sometimes I feel like my prayers were trying to take others agency away, “please help my friend to overcome alcohol addiction.” Well, did my friend WANT to overcome it? No. So instead of feeling like I did a great thing by praying my will onto someone else, I am trying to have more understanding of my friend. No one wants to hear that you are praying for them in what you call their “bad decisions”, it makes them feel that they let you down and can come across as condescending. (It would be better should the opportunity present itself that you encourage them to pray to feel Gods love for them). What I am trying to do instead is to reach out and tell them that they are important and that I am scared for their health or their happiness, not that I am worried about their salvation. I have had someone tell me they were worried about my eternal salvation, and it is offensive. Let me and God worry about my salvation. I would prefer others to worry about having fun with me and helping me laugh especially through struggles. Let someone know that you are there to talk if they need to. I am trying to not hide behind prayer and feel good about myself because I prayed for someone. And if the person is in a place that there is nothing I can do, then, I find it appropriate to pray asking what can I do for that person. There was an amazing man that I know named Reed. He was a great friend to many. A pretty reserved individual but so full of love. I saw him and have heard stories since his passing of the love he had for others. I saw him be great friends with people not of his faith. It did not matter to him. I saw him doing for others, not just praying for them. Days before he died his thoughts were still on helping other people. He was who was suffering and yet he was concerned for the well being of others. I was only around 16 or so when he died but I strive to carry with me his genuine concern for others regardless of faith.
So where is God? He is everywhere and yet not. All of my life I had to see the sign of God in everything, I searched for it. But you know what, there are NATURAL consequences to EVERYTHING both good or bad that God does not control. I know people who believe that if you are successful in life it is because you kept the commandments and were a good Mormon……well what about the A holes out there or people who are atheist and crazy successful? We have all seen people leave the church and still be millionaires and I do not think its because they started worshiping satan for success. We have all seen the humble sweet really great Mormons who scrimp by in life, what about them? We have a very loved friend who makes dumb choices “religiously speaking” who cannot land a good job. It is SO sad. She is so deserving of it, she is educated and experienced. We have a mutual friend who seriously believes that she cannot get a good job BECAUSE she socially drinks. WHAT THE CRAP?! Perhaps we are too focused on “stuff” as blessings when we should be more focused on blessings in the eternities. If this life is a test then wouldn’t the final grade be manifested at the end of the test instead of the middle? Stuff and a good job does not equal “blessings” anymore for me. I have stopped spending so much time looking for Gods hand in this or that, I used to do that and it caused me so much anxiety. The year before last we did IVF 5 times in under a year. It was HELL. I started with such a positive outlook and knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was for sure another baby for our family and because of my infertility IVF is our only option. I refused to call infertility and IVF a trial. It was an experience meant for us to go through. Well after the 5th attempt we finally were PREGNANT. Total MIRACLE. Then in the first trimester we lost the baby. I always said that the only thing worse than IVF (though I see IVF as a miracle) would be to do it and then the baby die. And that is exactly what happened. By this point I was pretty numb. I said to my husband after leaving the doctors that I was done searching for answers. Searching did not bring happiness. Knowing why the baby died would not change anything and that if God wanted me to know why, that he would tell me. Sometimes we lose so much happiness searching for answers that are irrelevant. Perhaps God had nothing to do with any of this. I cannot give him credit for when things go how I hope, but then not give Him credit when devastation occurs. In some cases God has nothing to do with the situations we find ourselves in, good or bad. If the baby would have lived it would be easy to say it was God.
So what I am saying is that there is just natural things that happen good or bad. I do not blame God for losing our baby, but I am still waiting for the pain to be turned to good. I do believe that God can work anything bad to our good and THAT is where He is in terrible situations. So there you have it. Why I pray, why I don’t pray and where I believe God is. I cannot let myself believe that we are monetarily blessed because we keep the commandments. Many are blessed with stuff because they work hard to deserve it. Some do jack squat and still reap huge rewards, I have no idea how that works hahaha. Some try and try and still cannot achieve wealth, and this makes me sad. No matter what category we find ourselves in there is opportunity for character growth. You become resilient and stronger through pain. I know that I am mentally stronger now than even a week ago. If you are a soul that has been richly blessed in the wallet then you have opportunities to help people in need, please do. Writing and sharing all of this is empowering for me even if no one reads it. It is def uncomfortable being this open, I do not share my inner thoughts with many. Hopefully my confusion can help someone else be less confused LOL. And hopefully someone doesn’t feel so alone in their similar thoughts.
OK ya’ll I know so many of us are parents and have a fear of screwing our kids up. Or maybe you are the perfect parent and this thought has never crossed your mind, if so then this blog is probably not for you. I became a first time mama to 2 babies in less than 6 minutes- best day of my life and holy crap. Like many first time parents I feared (and continue to fear) so many aspects of life for our twins. I am proud to say that we have not always done things the way others expected us to do with these perfect little humans. I have been self conscious of what people would think of this or that when it comes to parenting, but I have tried to be the mother that I believe my babies need and deserve. Religion and the way it is taught to my children is imperative because I feel it will determine much of their happiness. My happiness has lacked due to my understanding of religion. This point was driven home today when I asked a coworker (who I believed was not a member and she is in fact not from Utah) about her opinion of Mormons. She is under 25 years old and single. Here is the gist our conversation:
Me: Can I ask you a random question about Mormons, I will not be offended by your response.
Jamie: Yes (laughter) but I do not know much.
Me: What do people actually think of Mormons who are not one?
Jamie: Um….often I feel like they have fake acceptance for anyone and preach to not judge but they are often the people who judge the most (I wrote this a few posts ago, people can feel it). I have never felt more hated and judged than when I was around Mormons. Not all of them are like this, but I do feel it’s the majority.
Me: (with hurt in my heart for her, she is such a genuinely kind person) I hope I have never made you feel that way.
Jamie: NEVER. When I was a kid I was taught that I should not hang out with people that were not Mormon. I feel like the church was pulling me farther away from God and I feel closer to God without it.
Me: I understand how you have felt. The church does not teach to judge, Jesus is the one who said “he with no sin cast the first stone”. Thank you for telling me how you feel.
Jamie: Thank you for asking and being willing to listen.
Friends, we can and must do better than this. It would be so easy to argue with Jamie that the people are not the church and bla bla bla. But people ARE IN THE CHURCH which for many equals the church. I refuse to argue this with someone whose heart has been hurt. Aint no one gonna wanna go somewhere if they don’t feel loved and accepted. I have a list of people that I feel crazy awkward around and my fellow guilt riddeners I am betting you do too. Ask yourself what part you maybe have played in this for someone and then ask for help in changing your heart, please do it for your happiness too because you matter. Her parents were oh so wrong. She probably has not wanted to hurt them by telling them the role they played. Or she is afraid of them. We should not fear our parents, respect yes. What a confusing thing hahahaha, any expert or therapist care to weigh in? Crap man. I never want my kids to be afraid of me.
From the moment my twins were born I KNEW that they were not MY CHIDREN spiritually speaking. It is a huge weight to be parents and such a gift. But our children are GODS children. We are the vessel by which they come and we will be held responsible for the type of parent that we are, not who they become by their own agency. I never want to be WHY my child LEAVES or is CONFUSED about religion, it’s a yucko place to be at this age. I REFUSE to teach them how to judge. And I refuse to ever make them feel that they are disappointing God. If you believe in God and trust him then why don’t you trust that he will lead his children to the feelings that he wants them to feel? If He wants someone to feel guilt, let Him make them feel guilty. As a mother it is not my right to make my child feel less based off an action or behavior. It is not my place to induce guilt or to control with guilt. I do not want my child to do something and think “I cant let mom and dad know”. My husband and I have discussed this a lot, we want them to make a stupid mistake and think “I need my mom and dads help”. I hid so much and still would never tell my mom shiz I have done hahahahahah. Not to say that there will be no discipline or consequences for a dumb choice, but religion will stay out of it and we WILL NOT SPEAK FOR GOD or assume to know that we know what he thinks.
As imperfect humans we feel things completely different than God I am sure. I know of a young girl who got pregnant in high school, when her dad found out (in the bishops office) the bishop had to physically restrain the father from hitting his daughter. WTH?! There was an image that the father obviously needed to uphold and having a pregnant teenage daughter would not fit that image. If we ever find ourselves in that situation I can assure you that our daughter will feel loved. Again we will let God send the feelings to her heart that he sees fit for her to feel. As parents we will not assume that our daughter or son will never be in that position based off our “righteousness” (or lack there of). We live in reality that people make mistakes, but we also live in the reality that God can turn anything into good (as confused as I still feel religiously I can feel God working this crisis for good). We will teach our children that sex is awesome and that we are excited for them to experience it with the right person. That we want them to wait until marriage because there should be a lot of emotion tied to it and it will mean more to them if they wait. That it is to be earned and not given freely. That God perfectly designed a way to procreate and that it is showing respect to Him when we use that power appropriately. We will explain STDs and pregnancy risk and that we want them to be happy and avoid that potential heartache. I had a young person (college age) who I was close to tell me that he had been having sex with his girlfriend for awhile. I did not condone it but I made sure to tell him that I LOVED him and that he was on a road that could lead to a lot of heartache and regret. I did not shame him. I did not tell him that the choice was wrong, God already told him that. In tears he opened up so much more to me. How thankful I am that the first thing he knew was that I loved him. We need to not take it into our hands to tell someone to repent. That will come on Gods time. Unrighteous dominion is real and I feel it is used often in situations like this. Some of us do not experience weakness and temptation the way someone else does. (MY temptations are so different from my friends. Any maybe I am the only one with temptation because most of my friends don’t share theirs hahahahahaha). I would give that same advice I gave my young loved one to anyone in or out of the church, it is my personal belief and even though it is backed up by the church I do not hide behind God and use him to guilt. Yes, my kids are young and so to a degree I have no idea what in the hello I am talking about. But I do feel I am learning my character so that when these situations come I will have a hold on my reactions.
I hope I can get to the point that my initial reaction is love instead of disappointment. As difficult as it is to comprehend as a parent, our kids are not a reflection of their upbringing once they hit a certain age. If someone can be raised in terrible conditions and turn out to be an incredible member of society then doesn’t it make sense that a child that is raised in the best situations can still grow up to make bad decisions? It is not saying anything about YOU. Lets not make it about US. Did you have babies to make yourself look good? Cuz let me tell ya, that was dumb hahahahaha. From stretch marks to late nights to bags under the eyes, fights with the hubby and arguments with kids, less money and constant worry. Having children was NOT for an easier life. Parenthood was to TEACH US hahaha. To hopefully make you a more compassionate and less selfish individual, to make you more God-like and to have a tiny tiny taste of how God feels. And some days I hard core suck at parenting. God does not force his will on us, right? Pretty sure that was Satans idea. As I write I do believe that Satan has taken my own insecurities and anxieties and blown them up to use against me. Satan loves guilt and shame. I will try as hard as I can to not guilt my children into making the choices that I want them to make. Guilting is an easy and weak parenting tactic. I know of kids whose parents caught them looking at porn. Immediately there is shaming, yelling and a forced trip to the bishop. Porn is WRONG, I for sure believe this. I feel it’s wrong because it numbs the brain to real emotion. I know again that the church backs me up on this. But if and when we find ourselves in this situation with a child, there will be no yelling or shaming. Heck I think that a lot of us would think that porn it is hot but we understand consequences and physical love better than a young brain so we understand to avoid it. A developing brain and a curious brain is NOT WRONG. I want my kids to avoid porn because it stunts their hearts and stunts their brains. I know it is offensive to God, but I will let God tell them that. I would definitely tell my kids that a visit with the bishop would help them, but it would not be a forced repentance because that is not real anyway though it would make a controlling parent feel better. An amazing tool we have to really see our children’s hearts is talking. A conversation that is one in which they do not have fear that their truth will be a reason for anger is huge. If your child says they want to look at porn or drink alcohol or have sex then that is AMAZING that they feel comfortable enough with you to tell you! So much is hidden from parents out of fear. This is WHY we will not shame or guilt our kids. And guess what if they do have these feelings then know that they are NORMAL! How critical it is that our young kids know that they can talk to us without us getting mad for truth. I honestly want to drink. I don’t, but I want to. It sounds SO nice to have a glass of wine after a stressful day just to chillax.
Back in my super religious days I had my kids lying to me about things that were so dumb to lie about. But that was my fault with the Jesus shaming I was doing. Today I noticed that one of my wicker baskets was being taken apart. I asked my daughter if she did it (I knew she did hahahaha). She lied…….at first………I accepted her lie and told her that I trusted her. A few minutes later she came to me and said “mom will you get mad at the truth”, I told her that I would not be mad at telling the truth but that I still would not be happy that my basket was getting broken. Well she confessed, I thanked her for telling the truth and asked her if she would stop breaking my basket. She said that she would stop…..we shall see if temptation is too great for this destructive child haha. I hope I am not alone in admitting this, but I WANT to control my kids. It is something I have to consciously fight to not control them. I have to control my want to control hahahahahaha. And I have to do this in my marriage too. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could control things and then everything would turn out perfectly ALL the time? Hahhahahahaha . Any other wanna be controllers out there? Wow this is a post that I need to refer to often with all of these parenting goals on it. My hope is that these can be ideas you can apply, if you think its all garbage that’s ok too. But know that if you have a child making decisions that go against what you taught them that it has NOTHING to do with you. If you are worried what others are thinking rest assured that their kids are messed up too ahahahahahaha. And it is them that need to assess their own hearts if they are judging you for the actions of a child that belongs to God. Gods son Satan is an idiot, if Heavenly Father can have a child that turns out to be Satan then how about we give ourselves a little break? Eh?
