Blog

Oh man does it feel good to sit here and write!

I have been missing and wanting to do this for MONTHS. Time is a gift that I often don’t feel that I have enough of; I have just been too emotionally exhausted to even fathom letting my
mind “go there”.

I need to though.

I need to do it for me, and I am humbly learning more and more that I also need to do this for others.

I have not written since last summer and here we are in the spring! SO much pain has been experienced in this time and even greater miracles. God is real. But God will not protect you from painful times, yet He will send earthly angels to carry you through. I am not even sure what I want to share or how open I want to be on this platform about all the fires I have walked through, I only know that I need to give praise to a loving Heavenly Father for seeing me through. I know that I need to share learned truths in the miracles that I experienced. I also know that I don’t want to candy coat any of the shiz, but at the same time, I want to protect details for the safety of those I love that are involved.

So, in a very paraphrased and to-the-point version, I will just share this: marriage is hard, anxiety is real, depression, denial, control, fear, overwhelm, emotional walls, defensiveness,
pride, selfishness, and not having God weaved through the details of a relationship is not going to go well…..that is without miracles that God is waiting to send until WE are ready to receive them.

I was stripped down to nothing with no choice but to be more vulnerable than I have ever wanted to be! Literally unable to stand in a shower or to feed myself because I was so shattered. Fetch, I feel the tears filling up in my eyes right now…this is where I have not wanted my brain to go.

Perhaps its what I need to do though.

Feeling regret, anger, grace, distrust, impatience, love and hurt, confusion, shock, loss of control, fear, so much fear and forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself and where the pain came from. A whirlwind of emotions too intense to understand in those moments. Having coping mechanisms that sucked and still struggling to find better ones to help alleviate those shiz storms we find ourselves in! And having the realization that I absolutely had to be shattered into pieces and scattered about in order to build into something greater.

The thing is, I have been broken down into tiny pieces multiple times. I just did not know it could get worse.

I said to a few close people during all of this that I did not know pain like this existed. Like many, I have experienced some pretty crappy things in life, but none of which compared
to this pain, this trauma, this beautiful pile of garbage! lol. I went days where I hardly slept. I spiraled several times, I barely ate; I just couldn’t see how it could get better. Thankfully I had a couple earthly angels that kept me functioning and kept my kids totally unaware of any of it. As a child I knew and saw too much. Because of this, I knew I needed to protect
our precious babies. Oh how thankful I am that they are so loved by others who stepped in when I just couldn’t do it alone.

How miraculous it is that God can work anything to our good and turn a mess into a miracle!

We hand God a mound of disaster and he then helps us turn it into a masterpiece.

How thankful I am for my husband who is a good man.

How thankful I am for his ability to see the good and his desire to keep fighting for the better. I’m thankful for his forgiving heart and his belief in Gods miracles too. I’m thankful for his willingness to see his shortcomings and the strength to continue to let God mold him. It takes humility to see our wrongs and an open heart to grow.

I’m learning that we never stop learning. The moment we think we have it all figured out, life will show us opportunities to still do better. And with that, I’m back.

I have a more renewed vision of faith, of Mormonism, of religion as a whole. After almost three years we started going to church again a month ago!

I have only gone to class twice and when I’ve gone I get that stressful burning
to share a comment, so I do. My comments are not understood by many… hahaha! I can tell by reactions. But I am trying to not let that stop me. I feel that I need to share what the spirit is telling me to share (as much as I argue silently with it).

There’s so much more to come that I am excited to share in hopes that it can help others. For now, know that you are loved, you are valued, and you matter. You definitely have growing to do, as we all do and will continue to every day of this life.

Keep God in your pocket and it will make that growth possible, maybe not pain free, but possible.

Well its been awhile since I’ve made a post. Today felt like a good day to do so!

I’ve been in therapy for anxiety related stuff with a remarkable therapist. He’s met needs of mine that I didn’t even know I had. I didn’t know I was looking for him, but God knew and put him in my life. The absolute Christ-like love and care that I have felt from my therapist is not something I knew existed.

In the various medical situations I’ve been in over the last 25 years, I have never truly felt like I was in loving hands. Capable hands? Yes. Good hands? Yes. But this is a first for loving hands.

As I sit here writing I have streams of tears running down my face with so much gratitude for the love God has shown me in leading me to this therapist. I am not even trying to stop the tears which is very unlike me, especially considering I am currently in public watching my kids at a sports camp. For years, tears have meant weakness; they’ve meant awkward moments. I am trying to change that for myself and my little ones.

         So here goes with the title of this post. “By this shall men know”……these are the words from a song that I’ve sung my twins since they were born. I am sure I sang it during their NICU stay. I have heard it and sang it many times throughout my life. Today I sang it, but it touched me differently this time. My sweet 8 year old son woke up earlier than his sister (like always) and came to cuddle me as he does most mornings. I’ve been in a lot of physical pain since yesterday so holding him on my lap was a bit trickier today. I got him situated and then began softly scratching his back. It felt natural to sing to him. A few songs started racing through my head and “Love one another” kept trumping any other song spinning around. Almost reluctantly I began singing it. It definitely was not my first choice because I sing it all the time. “As I have loved you, love one another. This new commandment, love one another”

……..I began to slow down as I sang the next words……

“by this shall men know ye are my disciple, IF ye have love one to another”.

Wow.

“By this shall men know ye are my disciple”. Guys, no one is going to know what God so desperately wants and needs them to know without the love of his disciples. His disciples are you and me.

I am one of Gods disciples, a somewhat broken one, but I’m learning that we are all a bit broken.

As I’ve repeated these words over and over this morning, “by this shall men know”, I’ve been deep in thought over what “this” is trying to say. Yes, “this” is the new commandment (greatest commandment) that the words are meaning. However what does “this” actually look like?

Everyone may have a different “this”, but for me “this” means minimizing judgement with the hope of being free from judging others. It means doing acts of kindness with letting go the expectation of thanks. It means releasing others and ourselves of the pain and trauma we’ve received by their hand. Sometimes others don’t know the trauma they’ve caused or even care what they’ve cause, “this” means letting God handle them and just working on you. “This” means having compassion towards them even when they’ve had none towards you while keeping yourself safe from further pain. “This” means striving for patience, tenderness, and understanding with our children when they are on our last nerve. “This” is seeing people for the good that is in them and letting them know they are seen and noticed by you. “This” means saying it, actually saying the words that may be difficult to say such as, “I love you, I appreciate you, you matter” regardless of their belief or faith. It means saying “I’m sorry” and striving to be gentle and loving in how we communicate. “This” means accepting the gift of a compliment. “This” equals humility, perhaps not showing off all your church knowledge and rather being open about how you’ve struggled. “This” is being an advocate for the said sinner as to see why they’ve struggled and are still equally as deserving of the same love we all want and need. “This” could be giving them or others who are broken a voice when they are in a part of their journey that they cannot find their own. “This” does not mean boasting on matters we’ve not experienced and patting ourselves on the back for not struggling in the ways others maybe have. “This” does not mean seeking praise, recognition or adoration from those we deem less educated, experienced or fulfilled as we may be. “This” does not mean worrying about the modesty of someone wearing garments or not, or if they even want to go to the temple. “This” means not speaking for our Heavenly Fathers judgement towards others, we do not have the same understanding or compassion as Him to make such a statement. “This” means having grace on ourselves as we strive to do better and recognize that we too are a sacred child of God. “This” means love without any conditions and even when it may be hard.

         “By this shall men know, ye are my disciple. IF ye have love one to another”. IF ye have love…….that little “IF” is a powerful one. That little “If” is the most important way to show our Lord and Savior that we are striving to be a sincere disciple of His.

For a moment I am going to paint a mental picture of a child. Imagine a child who always got what they wanted. The parents made sure that each Christmas, birthday, just because we are at the store outing, vacation,  etc that this child got anything they asked for. The parents would do this to avoid a tantrum and because they were worried the child would not feel loved if they did not get their way, or the parent was trying to compensate for not playing with their child enough. What would most likely happen to this child as an adult? They would most likely turn into a pain in the a$$ teen and adult. They would be set up to have unrealistic expectations of their own spouse, bosses, friends and grow a sense of entitlement. Others would grow to have a dislike towards this now adult. It is possible they would lack humility and compassion and have a sense that they were being wronged all the time. Have you ever met someone like this? Have you ever been this person yourself? I realized that though God has not given me everything that I have ever asked for, I have become entitled to what I think God owes me and it has stolen happiness. I am guessing it is very possible that you have too and it has robbed happier days from you as well. Maybe you raised your kids “the right way” and they made opposing personal choices. Or maybe you have always been giving monetarily and now you find yourself broke. Perhaps you were great at serving others and now that you need service it is hard to find. All very valid reasons to feel screwed over. But maybe its an opportunity to see more.

This is an embarrassing concept to think about and accept, but I think that true growth must come from these tough and awkward moments. I think that it is possible that we victimize ourselves with God. This all came up in my thoughts about an hour ago…..and of course it is pandemic related. So being a germaphobe and actually having OCD and anxiety one can imagine how obnoxious this freakin’ pandemic has been for me. Hell, it has been Hell. Think of one of your worst fears and then deal with that every $#%^#$ day for eighteen %&*%^ months with no end in sight. Hahahaha. Pretty sucky. Well this past week me and my kids stayed with my parents because my hubby went to a funeral for his sweet grandpa who died from covid and several family members suffered from covid as well even in the ICU. I did not feel comfortable taking the kids to a large group or myself so my hubby went alone. The kids and I would live with my parents for 10 days until my hubby could test to make sure he did not get it. It actually was really fun to spend time with my parents and I was able to help them. The kids felt like it was a vacation and my hubby was able to focus on projects at home. On day 8 the kids and I went to my sisters house for a bbq. Before we went I felt a little uneasy as I usually do when going around people. I knew however that she and her husband and kids had the antibody. The only person there who did not have the antibody was her sons fiancé (to my knowledge). I told myself to lighten up and not be worried about ONE person. It was nice to chat with my soon to be niece and my daughter LOVED sitting next to her (outside) while she ate and giggled with her. It was a GREAT evening and my twins enjoyed themselves so much.

Fast forward to the next afternoon. My twins and I are playing outside and I get a call from my sister telling me that the girl my daughter and myself were with last night had just tested positive for covid. Oh. My. Crap. Are you kidding me? One of the RARE times I let my guard down because ONE person doesn’t have the antibody is the ONE time we are now exposed to the thing I have been avoiding for 18 months????????? My hell. I sat there stunned. I tried to not panic and to just play it cool with my 7 year old daughter as I told her not to touch my unvaccinated 77 year old mother. I knew we had not gone super close to my mom that day and I knew that I had been vaccinated with one of the 2 vaccines 18 days prior (my second dose was not due yet). I called my hubby who went and got the rapid test (negative)  then came to get me and the kids. We packed up our stuff and left my parents in a hurry (we def don’t want to be the ones who give an elder covid). I spoke to my cousin who is a scientist and she assured me that the chances of us giving it to my mom less than 24 hours after exposure were almost non existent. I felt calmer about the worry of giving it to my parents, but still had the mego anxiety of my daughter, my son and myself.

Yesterday I heard my daughter coughing and I myself have had an odd random cough. I could feel my panic knocking on my door so I reached out to one of my best friends (since high school) who happens to be a psychologist (God knew I would need psychologist friends hahaha). Now obviously I did not love everything he said, good psychologists have a way of making me want to squish them at times hahahahaha. The first thing he said was, “talk about exposure therapy”, and then said “it could actually be a gift”.  As I rolled my eyes at this obviously stupid comment and let him know that I disagreed with him, I took like 2 seconds to pause and trust him. I switched my outlook on it and tried to see the good. I am still having moments of rolling my eyes at him and trying to have moments of seeing the gift.

This all leads me to this entitlement with God syndrome that I feel many of us have. I feel like because I have been pretty damn near perfect with this pandemic ish that being exposed should not have happened. I have been mad at myself for letting my guard down and though I don’t blame God for us going to the bbq I am having a difficult time trusting him in this quarantine. My friend is a really good guy with a great relationship with God, so I know when he calls something a gift that there are spiritual threads in that comment. This idea of a gift has brought me into a deep thought of why we think we do or don’t deserve things we attribute from God. If we get every single thing we think God owes us then what kind of entitled brats are we turning into? Assuming God doesn’t want us to be brats for our own benefit, it makes absolute sense the gifts He gives us are not going to be what we want at times. I have tried for a long time to not call trials “trials”, but to call them experiences. The word trial just is daunting and depressing. Maybe I can get to the point that I call these experiences “gifts”. EW, I kinda hate that now that I said it hahaha, but I can see where the entire experience can be felt and understood differently when we call it a gift.

So here we wait, it has been almost 72 hours since our exposure. They say symptoms typically start between 3-5 days, so it is safe to say I will be on the edge of my seat from this point on and will probably take our temperatures 92 times a day. Such a beautifully annoying time to live in. So much good and so much confusion. Maybe if we lose the entitlement syndrome and CHOOSE to see more hard situations as gifts we can find deeper meaning and deeper happiness. I don’t want to put myself in a victim role ever, but especially with God. God does not do things TO you, you dumb dumb do that yourself. God however does do things FOR you and can turn our dumb dumb moments into a gift, WE just must choose to recognize a gift when its right in front of us. Sometimes we may feel spoiled by all of these gifts and just want them to stop. In those spoiled moments though are when we get the gift of humility, compassion and understanding others. Patience and love towards others can be the gift we achieve if we humble ourselves at the gift we were given. Trust is the gift I am personally trying to receive from God, it is a gift I know He has been trying to give me for awhile I have just lacked the faith to open His Present.

Stop doing your best

Oh boy! So this is such a crazy and annoying and glorious journey that I have been on. And my latest realization is the absolute need to STOP doing the best we can. Now this goes against so many personal beliefs and teachings and I KNOW that it probably is making peoples skin crawl to hear it. But oh my, it is so damn necessary for peace and happiness. Call it society, the church or our parents that have put this unhealthy mantra into our brains. If it makes you truly and whole heartedly happy, then by all means keep doing your best. But, if you find yourself with thoughts of doubt and anxiety and guilt like me, PLEASE stop doing your best and just do enough.

Last week my darling family and I got back from our family vacation. We went on a long road trip to Northern California and Oregon. It was fantastic. Great memories made and some lessons learned too. We saw the redwoods which I dare say are one of the most spectacular natural wonders I have ever seen. I know that God must be real based off the magnitude of those remarkable trees alone (not to mention other astonishing things in life). We spent many hours at different beaches, tide pools and thoroughly enjoyed all the outdoor activities we could find. We spent the first part of our trip on the coast and then drove a few hours inland to Oregon for the last few days.

On our drive to Oregon we came across road construction. There was a woman talking to each car telling them that the only route was closed for the next hour. I asked if we should go waste time at the beach and come back and was told why that would not work. The road would be opened and closed all day so we better go get our place in line amongst the other cars. So we did. While we were sitting with little cell reception my hubby and I began chatting. I am not sure what triggered my thoughts but I told him how much I hate the phrase “do your best”. Then I began (what felt like a near impossible task), to explain what I meant by that. You see, I am one who loves a clean home, I love the yard being awesome, I love my daughters hair looking adorable and I NEVER will leave my house without makeup. Even if I am staying home all day I must put my makeup on and get ready, I feel better doing this. However there are limits I have reached and the concept of doing our best is something that I have grown to despise for me. I started to explain this loathe for the phrase by using swearing as an example. I am very aware 99% of the time that I am going to swear, but I still swear. So my best would be to not ever swear again. I am positive that I could control this (control master here), I am positive that I could stop. However that feels daunting. As I explained to my husband that “my best” was within reach on many aspects of life and that I could fully be better in almost each category, I began crying lots. I probably took him off guard hahahaha. I could for sure have a cleaner house, I for sure could eat less sugar, I could for sure stop swearing, I could for sure check so many of these boxes……..and “do my best”. My hubby sat there and though he doesn’t say much he almost always says what I need to hear in these moments. He said that that is what the atonement is for. That no matter what I do I will NEVER do enough (makes ya wanna throw in the towel right now don’t it? Lol). Hearing him actually vocalize this truth that I already knew lead me to my new mantra, “do enough”. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders for good. I will never again do my best, because my best is too much for me. I will though do enough. I will never teach my children that they must do their best either. To me that phrase is just asking for anxiety and unrealistic expectations of ourselves. I will teach myself and my kids to do enough and to work hard. So instead of saying “did you do your best?” I will say “did you work hard and feel good with your efforts, are you happy with where you are and the final project?”. Now some may be saying that its all the same, but its not. When Jesus created the world I do not recall the Father ever asking Him, “did you do your best?”. If memory serves me right (which good chance it doesn’t hahaha) Jesus was told “It is good” and then told to go rest after 6 days.

I am so much happier saying that I have no intention of doing my best hahahahaha. I do have every intention of working hard to support and love my hubby. I will strive to have patience with my children and make sure they know that they are so loved and encouraged to try hard in what they choose to do. I want myself and my family to find joy in goals we set, in tasks we complete and memories that we make. I will set an example to my kids to weigh out options to make a better decision than perhaps they’d feel inclined to make. We will be a family that works hard and tries to be loving to those we encounter, we will try to be like Jesus in deed and in thought. We will strive, we will try, we will work and we will play, we will let the power of the atonement make us our best at some point. I would encourage everyone to not teach people to do their best, for some it is too heavy and will steal their peace. Like many things in this gospel, our best and perfection does not come in this life, so we will wait. We will become our best one day and be enough today.

How to Mormon

MMMM k so I have taken a break from blogging for a month. I have had so many thoughts and wonderments in that time. I decided to chew on them for awhile before writing about them. One in particular that has me needing to write right now is that I don’t think I know how to Mormon. I know the commandments and teachings, and I do question some of the history and what the actual purpose is to so many layers of this church. Today though I am stepping back to look at the entire picture of the day to day life of being a Mormon. Who sets the “to do” list and is it more like an idea list versus an actual list of things to do. I cannot tell if I am feeling guilt for having zero desire to do many of the to do’s or if I have finally let go of my obsession to do it all but my OCD is kicking in telling me that I am lacking. I actually thought about texting the bishop to see if he can tell me how to Mormon hahahahahahaaha. Sheesh. THIS is what starts my want to walk away and I have to not let myself go there, or I might walk away. Its just too much flipping work, and if I opt to not do it then the guilt sets in. I completely understand why people who are not breaking any commandments still leave the church, the “to do” list is too overwhelming. I have often heard the phrase “Do not run faster than you have strength” or the “just do your best”. Ew, I hate the do your best thing, why? It is because I feel like i can always do better…….and its too damn hard to keep pushing myself. I am already pushing myself to be a better wife, mother, house cleaner, meal cooker, business woman etc,etc,etc. So the idea of pushing myself more in religion just makes me want to run away from it. I am not tempted to break any of the mego commandments and I have been super focused on loving others and trying to give a voice to those who have left the church, or those who want to. I have tried to see things through their hearts and perspectives instead of just assuming they are spiritually lost. Because many are not, I think they are tired. Call it the pressure the church puts on them or their parents or their own selves, but like me, they are tired. It is exhausting feeling guilt, it is exhausting feeling like you don’t measure up based off dumb things. I am so proud of those who don’t do the “to do” list of the church and have found balance without guilt. Example, I have a beautiful 22 year old niece. We were chatting in a gal group the other day and someone said “ugh fast Sunday this month is on independence day”. My niece then chuckled and said “I have never fasted in my life”. I actually was proud of her for not putting that stipulation on herself in order to not feel guilt. She has zero desire to fast and so she doesn’t and she doesn’t feel bad for it. I think that is so healthy. She is one of the purest people I know, like never even sworn before. She has found a healthy balance of religion for herself that leaves her heart at peace.

Coming back to how to Mormon, that might actually be super different for each person. For me I “Mormon” by loving others and doing my best to encourage people to not judge. I try to not take part in negative talk about others. I try to see others for where they are in life instead of what I think they should be doing. I remind myself that God is the judger not me and as long as people are kind then that is all that I need to care about. It is still a huge challenge for me to not judge a$$es. I think about how I can help others in my shoes to make sure they don’t feel bad from comments of guilters. So many people try to guilt or scare people who are losing their testimony. I had a co worker attempt suicide a few weeks ago because she decided that she did not want to be Mormon any more and her mother made her feel terrible. What the hell. It happens and it happens so much more than we realize guys. Do not be a member of this church out of guilt or fear, do not do it. Religion is meant to uplift and edify our lives, it is meant to make us feel loved.

Having said all that, it brings me to this, just because I don’t know how to Mormon does not mean it is not true. I SUCK at math, and I do not care to learn math…like not at all. I have had a well meaning sister tell me that I can learn math and to be positive about it and bla bla bla. But guess what, math is not my thing and I am ok with that. But that does not mean that math is not true. I will never understand it because I do not care to, and I have so much peace with that decision. There are however other topics that I kick booty in, like health. I have an interest in nutrition and taking care of our bodies and not putting shiz into our bodies. I believe and understand nutrition. So like the church there are certain topics that I am really good in and others that I just plain and simple do not care about. So should a person walk completely away from learning at school because they have no interest in math? Should a person walk away from the church because they have no interest in the bible? Right now as I learn how to Mormon perhaps I need to just hold onto where I am at and stop worrying about the stuff I don’t have a desire to learn or do.  We are losing fellow members. It is sad. We are losing them because they are tired. I would hate if someone was forcing me to learn math, like I would avoid that person because they were putting their will on me (isn’t that what God is trying to avoid?). Through this journey I have opened up and spoke to many, I dare say most aren’t leaving because they want to drink or have sex. They are tired, tired of feeling like they are not good enough, tired of being made to feel that they are disappointing God, tired of trying to do the “to do’s”. I will go back to my husbands advice, if you feel yourself wanting to leave just let go of it all. Let go of everything except the 2 greatest commandments, you love God with everything in you and you love others as yourself.

That is how I am trying to Mormon.