Realization time yo. I just had an epiphany (also this is how I spelled that word before doing talk text in my phone to figure it out ahhahahahah “Apifany”) and here it is. Not everything comes down to religion folks. This is a really tough one to write because I have been really wired into believing that if you almost got into a car accident and didn’t that its because God protected you, and in some cases it probably is. But what about the person who got into the wreck? This has become a confusing topic for me. I used to feel like I had to pray so that bad things didn’t happen, but did my prayers actually impact any of it? And then if I forgot to pray is that WHY something bad ended up happening? (Who am I kidding, it was a rule to pray and I never forgot and crap still happened). So what should a prayer be about? Why should we pray? Do our prayers actually protect us? Lots of thought has gone into the concept of prayer and I have asked myself “Is God everywhere and is His hand in everything?”. Hmmmmmmm. Through talking to my hottie tottie hubby I feel I have a thought on these ideals now. First off in regards to prayer, I do not pray as much as I once did. I refuse to pray out of habit or fear. In my opinion those prayers are pointless. I pray when I have the desire to pray. I pray IF I am at a loss or stressed. I do not run everything by God, He gave me a brain to use it and I do not feel that I need a play by play prayer with all that I am doing. He made me very capable of making decisions without consulting Him. I used to manage a jewelry store and have had people need to pray before buying an engagement ring……..guys……????? I feel like there are somethings that we need to be able to have faith in ourselves, and the gifts that God gave us.
When my littles get older I HOPE that we did a good enough job with them that they don’t have to consult us for every single thing. I want them to build self confidence in their own abilities and trust themselves. It is not that my children would be a bother to me if they called me for every dumb thing, but where is the GROWTH in that? If I want my kids to be able to be strong, smart and confident people then they must do things without asking me if it is a good idea. So ya, my prayers are very different than they once were. I do not need to ask God if I should buy a puppy or if it’s a good thing for my family. In the grand scheme of life and my eternal salvation that puppy purchase has NOTHING to do with my progression. I do feel that for me at least Heavenly Father expects me to use my brain and trust in myself. I do pray daily to give thanks though. I do recognize how blessed I am. I try not to ask for much in prayer because then I am not disappointed if it does not happen. Instead I work hard and apply God given gifts into what I am doing. I pray to say Hello. That is kinda where prayer ends for me. It has helped me switch my focus to gratitude as well. Out of habit I want to pray for more trivial things but I do not feel that it actually makes a difference. Seldom do I tell someone going through a hard time that I will pray for them, as I don’t know that I believe my prayer has any impact on that. I do however tell them that they are in my thoughts and heart, I will actually text them that I am thinking of them. I like to think that that means more to them than the typical “you are in my prayers.” Sometimes I feel like my prayers were trying to take others agency away, “please help my friend to overcome alcohol addiction.” Well, did my friend WANT to overcome it? No. So instead of feeling like I did a great thing by praying my will onto someone else, I am trying to have more understanding of my friend. No one wants to hear that you are praying for them in what you call their “bad decisions”, it makes them feel that they let you down and can come across as condescending. (It would be better should the opportunity present itself that you encourage them to pray to feel Gods love for them). What I am trying to do instead is to reach out and tell them that they are important and that I am scared for their health or their happiness, not that I am worried about their salvation. I have had someone tell me they were worried about my eternal salvation, and it is offensive. Let me and God worry about my salvation. I would prefer others to worry about having fun with me and helping me laugh especially through struggles. Let someone know that you are there to talk if they need to. I am trying to not hide behind prayer and feel good about myself because I prayed for someone. And if the person is in a place that there is nothing I can do, then, I find it appropriate to pray asking what can I do for that person. There was an amazing man that I know named Reed. He was a great friend to many. A pretty reserved individual but so full of love. I saw him and have heard stories since his passing of the love he had for others. I saw him be great friends with people not of his faith. It did not matter to him. I saw him doing for others, not just praying for them. Days before he died his thoughts were still on helping other people. He was who was suffering and yet he was concerned for the well being of others. I was only around 16 or so when he died but I strive to carry with me his genuine concern for others regardless of faith.
So where is God? He is everywhere and yet not. All of my life I had to see the sign of God in everything, I searched for it. But you know what, there are NATURAL consequences to EVERYTHING both good or bad that God does not control. I know people who believe that if you are successful in life it is because you kept the commandments and were a good Mormon……well what about the A holes out there or people who are atheist and crazy successful? We have all seen people leave the church and still be millionaires and I do not think its because they started worshiping satan for success. We have all seen the humble sweet really great Mormons who scrimp by in life, what about them? We have a very loved friend who makes dumb choices “religiously speaking” who cannot land a good job. It is SO sad. She is so deserving of it, she is educated and experienced. We have a mutual friend who seriously believes that she cannot get a good job BECAUSE she socially drinks. WHAT THE CRAP?! Perhaps we are too focused on “stuff” as blessings when we should be more focused on blessings in the eternities. If this life is a test then wouldn’t the final grade be manifested at the end of the test instead of the middle? Stuff and a good job does not equal “blessings” anymore for me. I have stopped spending so much time looking for Gods hand in this or that, I used to do that and it caused me so much anxiety. The year before last we did IVF 5 times in under a year. It was HELL. I started with such a positive outlook and knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was for sure another baby for our family and because of my infertility IVF is our only option. I refused to call infertility and IVF a trial. It was an experience meant for us to go through. Well after the 5th attempt we finally were PREGNANT. Total MIRACLE. Then in the first trimester we lost the baby. I always said that the only thing worse than IVF (though I see IVF as a miracle) would be to do it and then the baby die. And that is exactly what happened. By this point I was pretty numb. I said to my husband after leaving the doctors that I was done searching for answers. Searching did not bring happiness. Knowing why the baby died would not change anything and that if God wanted me to know why, that he would tell me. Sometimes we lose so much happiness searching for answers that are irrelevant. Perhaps God had nothing to do with any of this. I cannot give him credit for when things go how I hope, but then not give Him credit when devastation occurs. In some cases God has nothing to do with the situations we find ourselves in, good or bad. If the baby would have lived it would be easy to say it was God.
So what I am saying is that there is just natural things that happen good or bad. I do not blame God for losing our baby, but I am still waiting for the pain to be turned to good. I do believe that God can work anything bad to our good and THAT is where He is in terrible situations. So there you have it. Why I pray, why I don’t pray and where I believe God is. I cannot let myself believe that we are monetarily blessed because we keep the commandments. Many are blessed with stuff because they work hard to deserve it. Some do jack squat and still reap huge rewards, I have no idea how that works hahaha. Some try and try and still cannot achieve wealth, and this makes me sad. No matter what category we find ourselves in there is opportunity for character growth. You become resilient and stronger through pain. I know that I am mentally stronger now than even a week ago. If you are a soul that has been richly blessed in the wallet then you have opportunities to help people in need, please do. Writing and sharing all of this is empowering for me even if no one reads it. It is def uncomfortable being this open, I do not share my inner thoughts with many. Hopefully my confusion can help someone else be less confused LOL. And hopefully someone doesn’t feel so alone in their similar thoughts.
-Until next time!