How to start this ginormous, all telling and self exposing adventure? For the sake of trying to avoid a forever long description of the history that brought me to this point (I hate reading those recipe blogs that have a story as to WHY they made cookies that day , like just tell me how to make the $%#@ cookies already) I am just going to say this. I am a Mormon who learned it all wrong. So wrong. Being a member of this church is a giant pain the way I have been doing it. It is DEPRESSING and ANXIETY INDUCING. I have felt constant GUILT and little to no peace. IT SUCKS. I have without realizing it been “righteously judging” others (also that is not a thing in my world anymore). I have felt like because of my obedience and faithfulness that I was so deserving of blessings and when those blessings did not come I absolutely knew it was because I swore here and there and I love my green tea (stop reading now and move onto something else if you have an issue that I drink green tea, or better yet go take a swig of your diet soda because that is SO much healthier). I am writing this all for my own self discovery because I really need it and I am positive that there are others out there who feel like I have felt. You follow the commandments out of fear and habit or guilt. You are afraid of God. You believe he is waiting to punish you. You feel guilty for the DUMBEST things, like running to the store on Sunday because you really wanted an ingredient (the “good Mormons” don’t do this). If you clean your house on the sabbath you have a sense of wrong doing. You know who you are, I know who you are…..and guess what, God knows exactly who you are and I actually believe that you are wired so wrong, been taught wrong or understood teachings wrong. You pray out of habit but not out of desire, then you feel bad that you don’t have a burning desire to pray. Also reading scriptures is something you will do if you MUST but they are boring and time consuming to you and then you feel bad even feeling that way. There is no way that you would actually admit any of this to certain people, and especially not in church. You really want to have that firm testimony that others say they have, so you kinda decide to fake it till you make it.
All of this in turn grows your guilt:
Do you love God?
You think so, but you are also afraid of Him because you have been taught about his judgement but then know He is Merciful (no idea how that works but I am happy that it does). So how on earth can you love someone who you are afraid of? You cant. How do you feel love from someone who is there to punish you? You cant. I am so sure that many that are reading this either completely understand what I am saying and can so relate. Or you are judging me for actually writing these things, if you feel judgment towards me then shame on you. You need to pray for understanding on others hearts not just understanding of the scriptures. Perhaps you are reading this feeling sorry for me and think I am lost, I will assure you that I am not lost, I feel very lucky that I have come to this point so I can find happiness in this faith. I once believed that the only reason someone would leave the church was due to sin. How wrong I was. I almost walked away from the church less than a year ago, and there was no “big sin” going on in my life. I worthily held a temple recommend (I told the stake presidency member that I drink green tea at my renewal and never was told to stop) , I was keeping my covenants, attending church each week, was a Young Women’s advisor, paid a full tithe, no R rated movies etc etc etc. I was a “Good Mormon”. And to be honest NONE of that has changed, but my perspectives greatly have. I cannot quite say what specifically cracked me and threw me into a religious crisis, but for several years crap after crap happened, life had gotten tremendously hard for YEARS. I am not saying that I should have not had these things happen. But when I prayed I felt nothing. Nothing. I was fine that hard things kept hitting but I did feel that I at the very least, that a glimmer of comfort from the God who created me was ok to be expected.
I wandered for a long time just waiting to feel something. Then when I continued to feel nothing something else so traumatizing happened and I broke. The next day I was in bed in tears praying for ANYTHING, and still nothing. Why would a God that “loved me” just abandon me like this. Why didn’t I deserve to feel a sliver of comfort? I began answering this question, I swore sometimes, I did not enjoy scripture reading (I still don’t and that’s ok), I was not as “righteous” as I needed to be, therefore either I was not deserving, or God was not real. You see, the way I had been taught or understood things was that God blesses those who deserve it. So I stopped praying, I stopped believing. Believing my entire life had lead me to this, when I needed him most he was not there. I was tired of blaming myself, it was causing me so much depression thinking that I sucked at life. So I left it. I sat my husband down and told him to leave me now instead of later because I wanted nothing to do with this church of guilt and anxiety. I was finished. He was so kind and assured me that he was not going anywhere. He then told me something that I am telling you. “Let go of it all. Stop doing all of it………EXCEPT……..the 2 greatest commandments, You love God with all your heart, might, mind and strength. And you love your neighbor as yourself”. And that is what I have strived to do. Loving others has pretty much always come naturally to me but I realized that loving God has not…….because honestly I am trying to teach myself to not be afraid of him. I cannot love someone who I am scared of. So those of you who have judged others, do you realize the DAMAGE you are causing, people can feel your judgement. You do not have to say anything “judgy” for it to be felt. If someone falls to the natural man and you judge them for this, how is that any different than YOU falling to your natural man to judge? Sounds like both need Gods grace equally.
In the midst of my silent battle with all of this there have been some well meaning members say the DUMBEST things. If you know me then I am sure that you are in shock that I have thought heavily about leaving this church. When I was teaching my 11-14 year old girls one Sunday, I had Henna on me. My niece loves doing Henna at family parties and she always does some on me and my kiddos. My son gets a dinosaur every time hahahaha. Any way, the other woman who I served with (she knew my niece did henna on me) shared a comment that I know she felt was “being an example or standing for truth and righteousness” and out of nowhere said that her niece asked her at a family party if she could draw some henna on her, she said that she told her niece “my body is a temple so no I do not want you to put henna on me.” My henna was visible, I sat there in disbelief. Why would she do that? I then moved passed it and continued to teach my sweet girls, then I noticed something on one of my girls (whose mother is not active), she had henna on her hands too. I am so thankful that SHE was not alone with henna on her. I tell this story because the DAMAGE that is being done in these comments can be lifelong. So what was worse in Gods eyes? The henna or that comment? I am not God, but if He loves me the way I am hoping he does, is he disappointed in me having henna on me? I don’t know. But I do know that nowhere has it been said that henna is a sin. This is where personal discretion comes in. This is also where YOUR opinions need to stay out. If you are trying to be Christlike and you think henna is wrong, then simply don’t get any, but at the same token do not take it upon yourself to share YOUR opinion. Our opinions are ours and you might be holding yourself to a standard that is healthy for you, but your standard is just that, YOURS. Before we speak we need to ask WHY we are saying it. Trying to guilt someone into “choosing the right” is actually mocking them. I used to as I call it “Jesus shame” my kids, “Jesus does not like it when you hit each other”. What the hello was I thinking????? The reality of it is that Jesus probably is not that worried about kids being kids. Why would I use Jesus Christ in a shameful way to try to get my point across? If I want my kids to know that Jesus loves them (especially when the difficult teen years come and that love will hopefully carry them through) then I need to be helping them build a healthy relationship with Him.
So much more that I want to share and will share as I figure this all out. My relationship with God completely crumbled but I am trying to have faith that He will take those pieces and build them up stronger. I am not letting myself feel ashamed for not praying out of habit, I am trying to focus my prayers now on only giving thanks. I do not pray as often as I once did, and you know what, when I do pray they mean something. I still swear sometimes and probably always will (not in front of my kids) but last time I was interviewed I was not asked if I swear. So simplifying my religious beliefs and loving others and really trying to see their hearts is the goal I am working on, because I do believe that has a better chance of getting me into heaven than saying I read the scriptures every day but don’t apply what they are really trying to say.
-Peace out for now