OK ya’ll I know so many of us are parents and have a fear of screwing our kids up. Or maybe you are the perfect parent and this thought has never crossed your mind, if so then this blog is probably not for you. I became a first time mama to 2 babies in less than 6 minutes- best day of my life and holy crap. Like many first time parents I feared (and continue to fear) so many aspects of life for our twins. I am proud to say that we have not always done things the way others expected us to do with these perfect little humans. I have been self conscious of what people would think of this or that when it comes to parenting, but I have tried to be the mother that I believe my babies need and deserve. Religion and the way it is taught to my children is imperative because I feel it will determine much of their happiness. My happiness has lacked due to my understanding of religion. This point was driven home today when I asked a coworker (who I believed was not a member and she is in fact not from Utah) about her opinion of Mormons. She is under 25 years old and single. Here is the gist our conversation:
Me: Can I ask you a random question about Mormons, I will not be offended by your response.
Jamie: Yes (laughter) but I do not know much.
Me: What do people actually think of Mormons who are not one?
Jamie: Um….often I feel like they have fake acceptance for anyone and preach to not judge but they are often the people who judge the most (I wrote this a few posts ago, people can feel it). I have never felt more hated and judged than when I was around Mormons. Not all of them are like this, but I do feel it’s the majority.
Me: (with hurt in my heart for her, she is such a genuinely kind person) I hope I have never made you feel that way.
Jamie: NEVER. When I was a kid I was taught that I should not hang out with people that were not Mormon. I feel like the church was pulling me farther away from God and I feel closer to God without it.
Me: I understand how you have felt. The church does not teach to judge, Jesus is the one who said “he with no sin cast the first stone”. Thank you for telling me how you feel.
Jamie: Thank you for asking and being willing to listen.
Friends, we can and must do better than this. It would be so easy to argue with Jamie that the people are not the church and bla bla bla. But people ARE IN THE CHURCH which for many equals the church. I refuse to argue this with someone whose heart has been hurt. Aint no one gonna wanna go somewhere if they don’t feel loved and accepted. I have a list of people that I feel crazy awkward around and my fellow guilt riddeners I am betting you do too. Ask yourself what part you maybe have played in this for someone and then ask for help in changing your heart, please do it for your happiness too because you matter. Her parents were oh so wrong. She probably has not wanted to hurt them by telling them the role they played. Or she is afraid of them. We should not fear our parents, respect yes. What a confusing thing hahahaha, any expert or therapist care to weigh in? Crap man. I never want my kids to be afraid of me.
From the moment my twins were born I KNEW that they were not MY CHIDREN spiritually speaking. It is a huge weight to be parents and such a gift. But our children are GODS children. We are the vessel by which they come and we will be held responsible for the type of parent that we are, not who they become by their own agency. I never want to be WHY my child LEAVES or is CONFUSED about religion, it’s a yucko place to be at this age. I REFUSE to teach them how to judge. And I refuse to ever make them feel that they are disappointing God. If you believe in God and trust him then why don’t you trust that he will lead his children to the feelings that he wants them to feel? If He wants someone to feel guilt, let Him make them feel guilty. As a mother it is not my right to make my child feel less based off an action or behavior. It is not my place to induce guilt or to control with guilt. I do not want my child to do something and think “I cant let mom and dad know”. My husband and I have discussed this a lot, we want them to make a stupid mistake and think “I need my mom and dads help”. I hid so much and still would never tell my mom shiz I have done hahahahahah. Not to say that there will be no discipline or consequences for a dumb choice, but religion will stay out of it and we WILL NOT SPEAK FOR GOD or assume to know that we know what he thinks.
As imperfect humans we feel things completely different than God I am sure. I know of a young girl who got pregnant in high school, when her dad found out (in the bishops office) the bishop had to physically restrain the father from hitting his daughter. WTH?! There was an image that the father obviously needed to uphold and having a pregnant teenage daughter would not fit that image. If we ever find ourselves in that situation I can assure you that our daughter will feel loved. Again we will let God send the feelings to her heart that he sees fit for her to feel. As parents we will not assume that our daughter or son will never be in that position based off our “righteousness” (or lack there of). We live in reality that people make mistakes, but we also live in the reality that God can turn anything into good (as confused as I still feel religiously I can feel God working this crisis for good). We will teach our children that sex is awesome and that we are excited for them to experience it with the right person. That we want them to wait until marriage because there should be a lot of emotion tied to it and it will mean more to them if they wait. That it is to be earned and not given freely. That God perfectly designed a way to procreate and that it is showing respect to Him when we use that power appropriately. We will explain STDs and pregnancy risk and that we want them to be happy and avoid that potential heartache. I had a young person (college age) who I was close to tell me that he had been having sex with his girlfriend for awhile. I did not condone it but I made sure to tell him that I LOVED him and that he was on a road that could lead to a lot of heartache and regret. I did not shame him. I did not tell him that the choice was wrong, God already told him that. In tears he opened up so much more to me. How thankful I am that the first thing he knew was that I loved him. We need to not take it into our hands to tell someone to repent. That will come on Gods time. Unrighteous dominion is real and I feel it is used often in situations like this. Some of us do not experience weakness and temptation the way someone else does. (MY temptations are so different from my friends. Any maybe I am the only one with temptation because most of my friends don’t share theirs hahahahahaha). I would give that same advice I gave my young loved one to anyone in or out of the church, it is my personal belief and even though it is backed up by the church I do not hide behind God and use him to guilt. Yes, my kids are young and so to a degree I have no idea what in the hello I am talking about. But I do feel I am learning my character so that when these situations come I will have a hold on my reactions.
I hope I can get to the point that my initial reaction is love instead of disappointment. As difficult as it is to comprehend as a parent, our kids are not a reflection of their upbringing once they hit a certain age. If someone can be raised in terrible conditions and turn out to be an incredible member of society then doesn’t it make sense that a child that is raised in the best situations can still grow up to make bad decisions? It is not saying anything about YOU. Lets not make it about US. Did you have babies to make yourself look good? Cuz let me tell ya, that was dumb hahahahaha. From stretch marks to late nights to bags under the eyes, fights with the hubby and arguments with kids, less money and constant worry. Having children was NOT for an easier life. Parenthood was to TEACH US hahaha. To hopefully make you a more compassionate and less selfish individual, to make you more God-like and to have a tiny tiny taste of how God feels. And some days I hard core suck at parenting. God does not force his will on us, right? Pretty sure that was Satans idea. As I write I do believe that Satan has taken my own insecurities and anxieties and blown them up to use against me. Satan loves guilt and shame. I will try as hard as I can to not guilt my children into making the choices that I want them to make. Guilting is an easy and weak parenting tactic. I know of kids whose parents caught them looking at porn. Immediately there is shaming, yelling and a forced trip to the bishop. Porn is WRONG, I for sure believe this. I feel it’s wrong because it numbs the brain to real emotion. I know again that the church backs me up on this. But if and when we find ourselves in this situation with a child, there will be no yelling or shaming. Heck I think that a lot of us would think that porn it is hot but we understand consequences and physical love better than a young brain so we understand to avoid it. A developing brain and a curious brain is NOT WRONG. I want my kids to avoid porn because it stunts their hearts and stunts their brains. I know it is offensive to God, but I will let God tell them that. I would definitely tell my kids that a visit with the bishop would help them, but it would not be a forced repentance because that is not real anyway though it would make a controlling parent feel better. An amazing tool we have to really see our children’s hearts is talking. A conversation that is one in which they do not have fear that their truth will be a reason for anger is huge. If your child says they want to look at porn or drink alcohol or have sex then that is AMAZING that they feel comfortable enough with you to tell you! So much is hidden from parents out of fear. This is WHY we will not shame or guilt our kids. And guess what if they do have these feelings then know that they are NORMAL! How critical it is that our young kids know that they can talk to us without us getting mad for truth. I honestly want to drink. I don’t, but I want to. It sounds SO nice to have a glass of wine after a stressful day just to chillax.
Back in my super religious days I had my kids lying to me about things that were so dumb to lie about. But that was my fault with the Jesus shaming I was doing. Today I noticed that one of my wicker baskets was being taken apart. I asked my daughter if she did it (I knew she did hahahaha). She lied…….at first………I accepted her lie and told her that I trusted her. A few minutes later she came to me and said “mom will you get mad at the truth”, I told her that I would not be mad at telling the truth but that I still would not be happy that my basket was getting broken. Well she confessed, I thanked her for telling the truth and asked her if she would stop breaking my basket. She said that she would stop…..we shall see if temptation is too great for this destructive child haha. I hope I am not alone in admitting this, but I WANT to control my kids. It is something I have to consciously fight to not control them. I have to control my want to control hahahahahaha. And I have to do this in my marriage too. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could control things and then everything would turn out perfectly ALL the time? Hahhahahahaha . Any other wanna be controllers out there? Wow this is a post that I need to refer to often with all of these parenting goals on it. My hope is that these can be ideas you can apply, if you think its all garbage that’s ok too. But know that if you have a child making decisions that go against what you taught them that it has NOTHING to do with you. If you are worried what others are thinking rest assured that their kids are messed up too ahahahahahaha. And it is them that need to assess their own hearts if they are judging you for the actions of a child that belongs to God. Gods son Satan is an idiot, if Heavenly Father can have a child that turns out to be Satan then how about we give ourselves a little break? Eh?
-Until next time!