OK so imagine if you will a place where no one offends you. People are naturally just not butt faces. Everyone is friendly and they care more about your feelings than their own feelings. They don’t share any negative opinions about you because they think you are making the BEST decisions for your life. Ok now ……..WAKE UP! I had to learn the hard way, as I am sure most people have learned or are learning that this place does not exist. Even loved ones can and will become enemies. Years ago as my husband and I wanted to be parents (tried for 8 years before doing IVF) we had loved ones make assumptions about us and then spread terrible rumors. They turned us into outcasts. It felt really good. Many other things happened as well and the relationships became toxic resulting in a separation for a few years from some loved ones. Some of the relationships have gotten better, some are still hurt but hopefully recovering, there is fear going back in. Looking back I wish that my husband and I would have handled things differently in regards to these relationships. I wish that we would have chosen to not go down the rabbit hole that these people were digging. Everyone will have a different opinion of every detail of this, and your right is in fact your right. I will not go into great details, but I will share what I learned and how I am trying to apply this experience to dumb dumb church members. We have spent several years hurting at the hand of others, and for what? We suffered because of the opinions of others. We are so lame hahahahahaha. What I wish we would have done was to not engage. I for sure believe they were absolutely wrong in certain aspects. However our reaction to their wrongness makes us wrong too. We argued, we tried to explain our hearts to people whose opinions were set. You usually can never change someones opinion. You do not own them…….however YOU OWN YOU! I have spent so much time feeling betrayed, hurt, angry and so on. It is seriously one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is oh so necessary for YOUR HAPPINESS. I am not totally great at it, but I am trying to not engage or worry about ANYONES opinion. So as much as people well intending or just full on butt faces will hurt you or make dumb comments about your testimony or lack there of (I fall into the lacking zone in areas with the church) you still own you. I have wrote so much on not being a Mormon jerk, but guess what, I will still FOR SURE encounter many. That is their weakness, but it does not HAVE to be mine as well. I genuinely believe that they think I am lost, and I think that they are lost too. So if you can TRY to have compassion on them for their lack of understanding of your heart it will greatly help you to not go down that rabbit hole. There is nothing good about jumping in. I am trying to apply this concept in every area. When someone offends me I immediately want to take my filter off and use every possible naughty word to explain to them why they are ^%*^$$ AND $^$@&)^%* AND THAT IF THEY COULD ONLY &%@!#* THAT WE WOULD NOT BE IN THIS *&^%) SITUATION right now. There you have it, that is true and honest what I WANT to do. But I don’t. You see being hurt by others can either make you an even bigger jerk or it can make you want to be nicer and not cause hurt to others. Everything my hubby and I went through with loved ones left me very weak. They ALL were “good Mormons” after all. So I went against my “natural abilities to tell one off” until this past year. I was trying to be “Christlike” when my world broke. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way I had felt hurt and I lost my true colors in doing this.
As I have tried to build back up I have come up with a few guidelines for myself when it comes to my reactions to unkindness. I do not give more information than needed to most humans, I have a few people who I will let into my world because I actually VALUE their ideas and opinions. Not over sharing gives less opportunity for judgement and opinions (get off of social media) I also recognize that my want to “&%$^ bomb” stupidity might make me feel good and a little empowered in the moment, SUPER immature and lame hahahaha and there is some hurt that cannot be undone. I just remind myself “YOU OWN YOU” and it has changed my desire to have the negative reaction. I simply refuse to engage. A testimony is an extremely personal thing and you do not owe anyone an explanation unless you want to and can do so free of negative feelings. Know your audience. When a judgy comment is made CHOOSE to feel sorrow for the judger. Be smarter than them, letting the offense and anger in WILL POLUTE you. I have seen this in someone I love dearly. The hurt haunts him. Negativity in any form and especially from someone you love will drag you down. Choose to own you. You can feel when a conversation is not going to go well, get out. If it is heated you can simply say “lets finish this when we are cooled down” or “I am happy to have a healthy conversation but this is not feeling healthy”. Just because someone throws a punch does not mean that you should. You will have pride in yourself when you don’t. You are not defending yourself when you allowed someone to pour gas on your fire. A healthy discussion is ok, but excuse yourself when you feel those “yucko” feelings creeping in. I wish that my husband and I would have excused ourselves from conversations with loved ones over OUR FERTILITY AND FAMILY BUILDING and when comments were made that hurt, we should have kindly asked for respect. It lead to doubts on church and doubts on love. If we would have handled them differently we would have avoided some lifelong hurt. I can now unfortunately probably write a novel on what not to do with loved ones hahahahaha. Little by little GREAT things are built, but little by little GREAT things are destroyed. I was always solid in my beliefs and unfortunately “loved ones” is where a tiny thread began to unwind ( I never want to be a reason someones faith begins to fall). Its also where I should have learned to not put my faith in people, but in God. Learn from your own mistakes and from mine. If someone seems to be judging you a bit too much please don’t let them become an enemy. Give them the opportunity to stop and if that doesn’t work then give yourself the respect to not engage. You will thank yourself for it. Your faith is only between you and God, no one else. Thankfully His opinion of you is the only that matters. I am trying to remember this too.
-Much Love